idontknowmylifeanymore

"idontknowmyselfanymore"

  I wish I can be a better writer, not just that, I wish I can be a better for everything. Stronger, tougher, smarter, pro in basketball, dance, singing, nicer person. But, we all know that we cannot wish everything. So... can i have a little time to give up about myself? Give up because actually i am no good at even one thing except to fake it.

  

   Is it wrong to have some little time to hate myself. Because I am not like that person who always have someone to rely on when you are sad. I have been struggling to not hate myself this years before. Yeah I know fk myself cause it was me that don't feel comfortable to share about my feelings at anyone at all. Even with my friends I have the honesty limit kind of story because we are the people that don't wanna share all our weakness to people. Even I break the honest boundaries, I know everyone have their own sad depression story. Why we want to burden them some more with ours? I could not cry in front if them.

   And, I am the person that never can share anymore the tough words to public (like ig caption & etc) , cause every time I did it, I will feel so bad enough to not keep it by my own. Even the purpose is to motivate others, It always turn out, "It look like you're not doing good, look like you showing them that you are actually sad". It always turn out no confident to share at all even this blog I make it private after being if someone that know me in real life find out. Then, what I always do instead, do bunch of crazy dumb happy good luck story that look like that I am always that cheerful and funny girl. 

  Few years ago, when I am done hating myself and got a new place to go and meet new people, I though it was a chance to chance of everything about myself. Figuring out to be that nice girl. Slowly change myself to not be that selfish person anymore.

   I notice the changes, I knew that now I am a better lover, less obsession about the high expectations in any kind of relationships or even now I manage to control my own anger and jealousy (that love-kind of jealousy, not that bad-kind jealousy) better than before. I am thankful a lot to those experiences that make me learn all of it and to my own brain & heart that still can function effectively to think the best actions at that good time. It did make me learn how to be a better friend and especially a better lover obviously for someone.

  But after all this joyful & tough pretentious (but most of the time it's not pretentious at all).......... .............still.......feel like.... the same way like years before.... that.....

A nice girl - to - be

  Welcome to the early days of the second sem in the second year which that yeah I already got a lot of things happen to me during my early degree life also can be considered as my early adult year. I know, I am gonna learn more about this life in the future, I don't know If had learn enough but these days, I was in the middle of confuse feeling about myself. About who I actually want to be, how nice I am want to be towards people, how care I am want to be towards people and a lot more.

  I think if anyone can understand me maybe... every time we enter a new life especially a new place.Its always get u a fresh feeling which you can restart everything about yourself, learning from the past and wanna do better. I WAS THERE. Honestly, it's been so great, the fresh feeling, the positive feeling of committing yourself in everything just to find a better version of yourself, finding the new vision of life to make you keep going. Do everything that you like, and the things that you think you always wanna be.

  YOU CHANGED, to the person you always dream to be. A NICE GIRL, which keep silent and patient for everything. Before this, you always hate yourself for being kinda selfish person, maybe.

I could not describe this but I know I got a better of heart-sense these days. I know I kinda love people more real this days, being more welcoming people in heart these days, more honest, more caring, bullshit reduce. As a conclusion, I know I am a better lover, but still not good enough.

 Thanks to people that make me, I mean they are not doing that intentionally, but still, thanks. 

  Time-to time, a nice girl should not stay when there are finally something that make her hurts silently. Maybe not a nice girl anymore when you starting to being tired to stay nice towards some people that keep hurting you inside and pretend that they never hurt you. Maybe, your bullshit still bullshit, the only way to forgiving is fading from the people. Sometimes you gotta choose to love yourself even maybe people talk that you are the one that bullshit. 

 I don't know , I am done, I just hoping that someday I gotta find someone that actually think me nice without me need to hurt myself to love them.

  I hope someday , the true love is true and come to me. Maybe, If I deserve it. Honest love , thats all what I want, from the future partner.

 HAHAHA  obviously I am talking about such a love life thing hahaha.