idontknowmylifeanymore

"idontknowmyselfanymore"

  I wish I can be a better writer, not just that, I wish I can be a better for everything. Stronger, tougher, smarter, pro in basketball, dance, singing, nicer person. But, we all know that we cannot wish everything. So... can i have a little time to give up about myself? Give up because actually i am no good at even one thing except to fake it.

  

   Is it wrong to have some little time to hate myself. Because I am not like that person who always have someone to rely on when you are sad. I have been struggling to not hate myself this years before. Yeah I know fk myself cause it was me that don't feel comfortable to share about my feelings at anyone at all. Even with my friends I have the honesty limit kind of story because we are the people that don't wanna share all our weakness to people. Even I break the honest boundaries, I know everyone have their own sad depression story. Why we want to burden them some more with ours? I could not cry in front if them.

   And, I am the person that never can share anymore the tough words to public (like ig caption & etc) , cause every time I did it, I will feel so bad enough to not keep it by my own. Even the purpose is to motivate others, It always turn out, "It look like you're not doing good, look like you showing them that you are actually sad". It always turn out no confident to share at all even this blog I make it private after being if someone that know me in real life find out. Then, what I always do instead, do bunch of crazy dumb happy good luck story that look like that I am always that cheerful and funny girl. 

  Few years ago, when I am done hating myself and got a new place to go and meet new people, I though it was a chance to chance of everything about myself. Figuring out to be that nice girl. Slowly change myself to not be that selfish person anymore.

   I notice the changes, I knew that now I am a better lover, less obsession about the high expectations in any kind of relationships or even now I manage to control my own anger and jealousy (that love-kind of jealousy, not that bad-kind jealousy) better than before. I am thankful a lot to those experiences that make me learn all of it and to my own brain & heart that still can function effectively to think the best actions at that good time. It did make me learn how to be a better friend and especially a better lover obviously for someone.

  But after all this joyful & tough pretentious (but most of the time it's not pretentious at all).......... .............still.......feel like.... the same way like years before.... that.....

I am still that bad... 

I am still not good enough...

Why I am still dumb.....

Am I a nice person??.....

I'm tired.....

I have done everything to change myself.....

Why....

Why I cannot even be like them?

Smarter like them...

Cool like them... 

Beautiful like them...

Got bunch of supportive friends like them...

Even after what I change to myself to be that better person...

And I know they love to be friends with me cause of my funny chill personality...

To cheer them up....

But seem like Im not one of their choice as their friend to be support...

It is because I'm hiding my inner-self so much?

Should I be that transparent?  

I don't know it's everything....

  Just like....

I'm tired that seem like I cannot change myself at all...

To become better...

I don't know If I am better or not...

There's no specific measurement to indicate a little celebration of myself...

That's why...

I don't know myself anymore...

I don't know what I should do anymore...